Belonging

Feeling inspired, you could call it. A page is my canvas.

I don't know if I've ever felt that I belonged somewhere. I mean, of course I did, when I was little. All you know is your family when you're young. Even though you aren't old enough to realize it, you belong. But that's not what I'm talking about. When you get older, you get friends. I mean, of course when you're young, you have friends, but nobody seems to care who your family is or what brand of clothes you where. At least that's how the world looked to me.
When you grow, things change. This isn't about losing friends, it's about gaining them. That's what this note is about. But not in a selfish way. At least I hope not.
I was tossed into the world of high school. I had no social skills. But I made friends. I thought I had lots of them. But....I don't think so. No one asked me to go places. I didn't get invited anywhere. I mean, there some parties here and there, but....it wasn't personal. I guess nobody wanted to get to know who *I* was. Maybe I reciprocated that, but, I didn't know how to talk to people. And even when I got into the group of friends that I wanted, I don't think they accepted me. I felt more accepted into a group that I didn't want to be in. Because the group that accepted me weren't what you would call the popular kids.
As you may know, I went to the Academy. There were cliques, yes, but someone once said that our school didn't really have popular kids and not popular kids. There wasn't the whole "jocks and cheerleaders" thing. I think they were right about that, to an extent. No type of person was really classified as popular, I suppose. But I realize that there was still segregation.
Still, no one seemed to reach out to ME. I guess that's kind of selfish, but, I wasn't experienced with people. I think that, even today, I expect others to make the first move. Because if I do, and they don't like me. Well, I don't want them to have to feel like they have to be around me. So I wait for them to ask to hang out or get together. I can't know if they like me or accept me otherwise.
Even when I find a place where I feel I fit in.....something seems to happen, and friends fall away. It could be the fault on either side. But I think that those were only temporary places. Places that at the time seemed good, but maybe didn't feel like the place where I belonged. And maybe I felt like it was a nice place to be, but not the place where I belonged.
Kind of like boys. There are lots of nice boys out there, but they aren't right for me. They're not who I belong with. Even if I want them to be right, I know that they aren't.
And though they may feel right, I still know that they're.....I don't want to say wrong. Wrong feels like the wrong word. Not wrong, but not right either. They are just the right for someone else. It's where someone else belongs, not me. And while it's nice at the time, it's still not right.
There are times when I thought I belonged, but now know that I didn't. At least that's how I feel. But maybe people did accept me and I did belong, I just didn't know it because I didn't feel people showed it.
There are times I feel like I'm where I do belong, but find out later I don't.
There are times I want to belong, but don't feel like I am being accepted.
There are times I feel I belong, and want to belong, and then later get that same feeling of not belonging, and that this isn't really the place I'm supposed to be. Those might be the worst.
Then there are times that I don't know that I belong until I'm there. I think those are the best. Because to get to that point, someone has to ask. They have to initiate. When they make the first move, and ask me. And I don't realize until I'm there, that maybe where I'm supposed to be is there. I think those are the best. When I don't expect to belong, and find that I do.
Lastly, there are the times, after the times where I've found where I thought I was supposed to be. They may not have happened yet, but they're coming. When somebody goes away. It changes the way that I felt about where I was. It's not so much about the place after all. It's more about the people.


Part 2 (I guess this comes to you in two parts now)
The people
Sometimes, you think you know a person. Then they tell you something that shocks you. They tell you of something in their past that you didn't expect. And I don't mean like crimes or trouble with the law. Just things that you didn't expect them to do. You thought that they were better than that. Then they tell you something. You don't expect it from them. It changes how you look at them. Maybe even your friendship.
Sometimes, you know what they've done in the past. But it isn't about what they did. Not really. But if they've done something that you haven't....Even if they regret it...It's not the same. They've had an experience that you haven't. They can't relate to you as well anymore. You can't depend on them to be strong with you, because they've already given it up. Even if they haven't done the same thing since, it's not the same. It's not the same waiting a second time around. They don't feel the same way you do. They don't know. Well, actually they do know. They know more than you. So you don't see eye to eye. You can't. It's not the same.
There are some people who I looked up to. Then they changed, or said something, even if they didn't know it, that changed the way I saw them. More so actions than words. I couldn't look at them the same. It's difficult when you look at someone, because you feel like they're going through the same thing that you're going through, even if they don't notice you or don't know it. But when they change, it's hard. Because for so long, you thought of them as better than you, in a way. They were like a role model. When they change, who do you have to turn to? When you've never found anyone else to look up to as a role model. Then you've got no one to turn to. It feels like there should always be someone there wiser than I am to help me live my life right. And the whole thing with feeling what I'm feeling, well, it sure helps if they're my age. But I'm not going to get into the, "older people don't understand" thing. They do, to a certain extent. But every situation is different, and not only that, I feel it's easier when you've freshly been through the same thing.
Be careful what you do, because you never know who might be looking up to you. You might think that no one in the world would want to be like you. But you're probably wrong. Even if they don't want to be you, they may want to be like you. You could literally be a model for someone's life. I have been the person that looked up to others. I doubt any of them knew it. But I did. So you don't know who could be watching. It might be someone you never talk to, or hang out with. Or it might be your friend. You don't know. And they likely aren't going to tell you.

To conclude
And then I find the person and the place that go together. The person who knows what I'm going through. The person who CAN be a role model, whether they know it or not. The person who I feel I want to and can trust. Everything seems right.

I've felt this way before, I think. I just hope that this can last, and maybe I'll find where I'm meant to be. Because where I am.....I don't think that's it. But this is fragile. I can see in the future, what could shatter what I have now. And if that's to happen, I may be lost again. "Not all those who wander are lost", but that doesn't mean they don't get lonely.

I know this is all a bit vague. It's because I don't want to tell personal stories about people I know, because that's there business. You might think I'm talking about you, then again, I may be talking about someone you've never met. You might think I'm not talking about you, but you might be exactly who I'm talking about. You don't know.